Who Rules the Roost: Round Here

Feel Like Your Kids Are Running the Show?

One of the unfortunate parts of being a parent is that

you cannot give your children everything they want. In

addition, you must also ask the kids to do things they

don’t want to do (homework, go to bed) and to stop

doing some things they do want to do (teasing, whining).

If you are really doing your parenting job, therefore,

along with being warm, caring and supportive, you must

also frustrate your kids on a regular basis.

When you are frustrating your little ones, the children

have two choices. First, they can cooperate and tolerate

the frustration. Second, however, youngsters can

engage in what we call testing and manipulation. Testing

and manipulation are the efforts of frustrated children

to get what they want or avoid discipline by getting their

parents emotionally confused.

When trying to “press your buttons” like this, a child has a “choice” of six basic tactics.

All parents and teachers recognize the strategies we are about to describe!

The Six Basic Testing Tactics

1. Badgering: “Please, please, please, please!” or “Why, why, why?” “Just this once!

Just this once!” “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” There are some children who could

have been machine guns during the last war.

2. Temper: An aggressive attack or emotional outburst. Younger children, who aren’t so

good with words, throw themselves on the floor, bang their heads, holler and kick

around ferociously. Older kids, whose language skills are more developed, come up

with arguments that accuse you of being unjust, illogical or simply a bad parent in

general.

3. Threat: “I’m going to run away from home!”, “I’ll never speak to you again!” and “I’m

not eating dinner and I won’t do my homework!!”

4. Martyrdom: May be kids’ all‐time favorite! Your

daughter indicates that her life has become an

incredible burden since you are totally unfair. “No

one around here loves me anymore,” “I never get

anything” or “You like her more than me!” are

examples. Crying, pouting and looking sad or teary

can also be effective manipulative devices.

5. Butter Up: Here’s a switch: Butter up takes an

approach that’s different from the other testing

tactics. Instead of making you feel uncomfortable,

the child tries to make you feel good. “I think I’ll go

clean my room. It’s been looking kind of messy for

the last three weeks. And after that maybe I’ll take

a look at the garage.” Ever heard a parent say,

“The only time my son’s nice is when he wants

something”?

6. Physical Tactics: From a parent’s perspective, this last form of testing is perhaps the

worst. Here the frustrated child may physically attack an adult, break something or run

away. Physical methods, of course, are more common in smaller kids.

What’s Going on Here?

Most kids would never be able to describe the underlying mechanics of testing. But we can

tell you exactly what’s going on. Here’s how it works: The child’s testing is saying to the

parent something like this: “You’re making me uncomfortable by not giving me what I

want. But now I’m also making you uncomfortable with my badgering, tantrums, ominous

statements or feeling sorry for myself. Now that we’re both uncomfortable, I’ll make you a

deal: You call off your dogs and I’ll call off mine.”

If you do give in and give the child what he wants, you are guaranteed that any testing will

stop immediately—in a split second no more hassles. Some people say, “Thank heaven—

there’s a way of getting rid of testing and manipulation!” There certainly is, but there’s a

catch. The catch is who’s running your house? It isn’t you; it’s the kids. All they have to do

in a conflict is get out their big guns and you are chopped liver.

For many parents being able to enjoy their kids again means being able to manage kids’

manipulative behavior quickly and fairly. How do you do that? Recognize manipulation for

what it is, never give children what they want when they are testing, and know when it’s

time to stop talking!

I just read this newsletter from 123 Magic and it hit home for sure. The only way I can stop my kids from manipulating is when I use their counting and timeout strategy. Luckily Tegegne's doctor recommended it to me several years ago. I checked out the dvd from the library and have used it ever sense. 123 Magic worked for me! I know several of my friends agree that establishing a timeout routine early on helps immensely with disciplining young children. 

I'm totally going to make a "time-out pad". Genius.

Time out for us is the least exhausting way for me to let my kids know that I rule the roost round here! 

Love,

Mom

Hensley Ruth: 12 Months!

Hensley, I am chiming in a month late but with some very special photos of you on your birthday! 

Seriously Hens, we love ya. You sure did like your birthday cake baked by your dear 'ol dad. He actually made you two cakes. One for your photo session, and one for your party. Lucky duck. You are walking a lot these days, wrestling back when Tegegne tries to get you, eating some vegetables thanks to my new veggies-first-when-your-hungry motto, but let me be honest and say you still drop your plate and fork on the floor when you're finished. And sometimes your food. You and I have been getting the giggles more, which I absolutely love. And of course, I'll be the disciplinarian in your life, while your father thinks you do no wrong. He's smitten by you, kid. Your favorite things include stairs, "bunny", waking from a nap, brownies, muffins, being chased, and baths with bro. 

Your words include dada, mama, bubba, dog, dawc-ter (it means lots of things), God, bird. You've got your dad's toes and nose, and your petiteness comes from yours truly. A security lady at the library said, "Wow, she's tall!", but you're actually not tall. 

xoxo,

Mom and Dad

P.S. Thank you, Lauren Overton, for doing a fabulous job taking photos of our wee ones. 

What I'm Reading: Getting Kids to Eat!

Hi there! So, I'm really going to summarize this topic since my post-spring break house is bloating with chores. I'm just so excited to share about this because we are trying it and it is working!

So what is it, you ask? Well, in Bringing Up Bebe, Pamela Druckerman talks about French kids and food. She researches how they are good little eaters who do not throw food, and will eat a wide range of foods. They can even sit through 4 course meals at a restaurant! (Seriously...no way!)

The first idea regards snack time. French kids eat breakfast, lunch, an afternoon snack at 4pm (a goûter), and dinner. No other snack times. So when they sit down for meals, they are actually hungry. And the goûter is a special time, where they sometimes have visitors to enjoy the snack with. Druckerman tells a story of a mother and daughter who were out late morning and picked up a pastry. They had already eaten breakfast, and when they purchased the pastry the little girl knew that she would get to eat it during the goûter at 4:00. She didn't even ask her mother if she could eat it that moment.  In the US we allow kids (myself included) to eat what they want, when they want. 

The kids and I have been doing this, and it is going so well! We do our snack at 3:00 and dinner around 6:30.  I remind Tegegne to make sure he is full at meal time. And we totally look forward to 3:00 and really make it an enjoyable time to snack together. He still asks for snacks at other times, but I remind him that he can have it at 3:00. He is getting used to the idea. Our neighbor gave him a large packaged muffin (ha!) yesterday and he immediately said, "Mommy, I want this for my 3:00 snack!" 

The second idea is what meal time looks like, and how, and what is offered. In France, preschool is free and quite good. There is one committee in Paris who makes the meal plan for all of the public preschools in Paris. Druckerman sat in on one of these meetings and was in awe of what was on the menu. Each meal is in four courses. They start with a vegetable. (This is genius, btw.) One of the meals they planned was a follows. Chopped tomato with balsamic drizzle, a nicely prepared fish for the second course, blue cheese for the third course, and fruit for dessert. (Can you believe that?!) Each preschool has a chef, and the food is nicely prepared and presented. They also find it important to describe the food to the children, offer them a variety of foods, and reintroduce things often.

I have also been doing this with Tegegne and Hensley and it is fabulous!!! I'm giddy about it and hope to keep it up! Hopefully, we can continue to eat this way as a family. Tegegne has been so excited to eat the first course and see what is next! He also asked me to describe the food again so he could tell Hensley! It is easy and so fun. As far as meal planning, I've just got to make sure we have fresh vegetables, a protein, and fruit or yogurt.

Here's what they ate last night. For the starter, chopped red and yellow pepper and broccoli with a poppy seed drizzle ((I tried to make it sound fancy! ), rotisserie chicken with barbecue drops, and apple, pineapple, strawberry, and grapes chopped with a dollop of Greek yogurt with an agave nectar drizzle. In the book she notes that the child must try the food, but they do not force them to eat everything. Hensley tried several pieces of the vegetables, ate all of the chicken (which she had refused previously), and of course LOVED dessert! Due to the lack of fine cheeses at a reasonable price, we are sticking to 3 courses! We have a large stack of small melamine plates, that works great for courses.

Other things she mentioned...during the week young children eat around 6:30 and go to bed (or to their room to play), then the parents do mealtime alone! Weekends are for family dinners! They also bake with their young children most Saturdays. They stress the importance of having the child help prepare the meal in some fashion (or at least setting the table), so they will be much more excited about eating it. If they don't sit down and enjoy a meal, it doesn't count in France. They do not eat on the go like Americans do.

What these basic rules do for children is so valuable. They grasp patience, and do not have the mentality that they get what they want whenever and however. 

I know it is not easy to enforce these ideas when those around us are eating snacks at 10 or 11am, but we've been doing it and will continue.

Ha, so much for making this short. Thanks for reading, and if you are intrigued at all I'd love to talk more about it...and I'd highly recommend the book!

(book, photo.)

Parenthood: Sweet Moment

Tonight Michael and I would agree we had a sweet time with our kids. After some yummy potato soup we rocked you both. Ababayeh held you, Tegegne...yes, he had to ask you to be calm and relax. Finally you settled into his lap. I was rocking your sister. The four of us sitting in the living room listening to our new lovely record from a band called The Civil Wars. Tegegne, you and I kept catching glances. I'd wink at you, which made you smile bigger than ever and of course my heart melted. Then your dad and I exchanged a wink. It was a nice quiet evening as a family.